When I reflect on my portfolio, its shortcomings, and strengths, I think the former outweigh the latter. There are many things I didn’t factor into the creation of this portfolio, my access to resource, my general ability but most importantly my mental health. Truth be told, the thought of being in front of the camera has always terrified me so I’m not exactly sure where I got the bright idea to film myself over the course of this project. I didn’t even anticipate the body horror that I’d experience doing this. This, of course, is something I’d experience between writing each of these posts as I reviewed every video.
Upon writing and submitting my proposal I had not considered my access to resource, whether I could source a dance studio or even muster enough courage to film myself out in public. With the advent of my HRT journey came acute social anxiety. Living one’s truth is definitely easier said than done, and though this reads like a tangent, I swear it makes sense in context to my portfolio. Even in scenarios where I was afforded space – dance studios and the like – to create content for my portfolio, these spaces were community spaces, shared amongst all members of the Ballroom community here in Auckland. There I was even afforded safety, but I couldn’t even manage a single performance. It was difficult to be present in the space because I was so conscious of my own body, its changes, whether they were readable, my weight gain, and my tall body. Silly things, I know, but I guess I’m still grappling with notions of beauty, passability, my body in relation to my transness. All these things really hindered my ability to get started on this portfolio. As I grew more and more conscious of myself in public spaces my ability to make objective decisions around what needed completing, especially in regard to my university work. If it required me to leave my home and/or communicate with people outside of my circle unnecessarily, I would recoil back into hermit mode and hide away. It all sounds very dramatic, I know, but this truly made completing this portfolio difficult.
By the time it came to actually completing this portfolio, I was out of time and resorted to filming myself and in my lounge and garage, collating whatever footage I had into something I could at least stomach. This was at first, gradually, however, I would become unphased with the quality of my performance and uploaded for the sake of completing what was required of me. Upon completing the tasks even, I come to realise my discomfort with my body, especially behind the camera. Once I saw what I looked like behind the camera I became immediately conscious of the ways my body has changed over the course of my use of HRT. I immediately became uncomfortable as I imagined myself a bystander watching myself walk past with all these changes glaring and obvious. I don’t know how a portfolio covering my reacclimatising of Vogue Femme turned into a deep dive existential crisis. It did and now I’m trying to recollect myself after being unexpectedly unraveled.
I will say that for what it's worth, this portfolio does contain some nuggets of knowledge useful for anyone wanting to learn more about Vogue Femme. There are many intricacies and nuances to the dance form that I’ve only scratched the surface off. Like any other dance form, Vogue Femme requires tonnes of effort and practice, this part is obvious enough but what I hoped to offer was a small little insight into the world of Ballroom, just enough to entice readers’ into picking up the dance form for themselves. The hope of seeing me flounder around in the videos could perhaps even inspire a little hope that despite one’s lack of skill they could pick up Vogue Femme. I didn’t even realise how invested I still am in the dance form and Ballroom culture in general until I started this. I want to improve and want to get better at it and perhaps the body horror and distorted mental health really will help in motivating me to do so. Things I did appreciate was my softness, I enjoyed seeing that despite it all I had that. There are even moments in those videos where I genuinely was having fun and I think that shows too.
I feel like if I were to repeat this process again, I would properly structure my time and at least see my therapist once a week. I would even maybe set up a fitness and stretching routine for me to follow alongside my documentation to improve stamina and flexibility. I would collate more footage of my favourite vogue performers and detail techniques and moves that use that maybe I’d replicate or incorporate into my own vogue style. I would engage more with the Ballroom community and bring in performers who can train me and exchange ideas on what voguing as an art form means to our community. Its uses as a means of survival, a tool for expression, and ultimately the saving grace in many of the community’s lives. There are many things I would do differently in retrospect, these things I regret not doing this first time around. I didn’t expect an existential crisis, so maybe everything has happened in my favour. Now, at least I know that beyond this point, I’ve accounted for my feelings of social anxiety and my almost crippling self-esteem issues. Acknowledging those things means when I attempt anything like this again, I can equip myself with the proper tools to manage and deal with these problems effectively, so as to not hinder my progress.
This has been a strange reflection and rather messy, I reckon. If you’ve made it this far, first of all, thank you. I’m obviously processing things and thankfully I think that’s a good thing. I do apologise that you’ve had to read something so self-deprecating. I’m not always like this, I promise, but this portfolio really did a number on me.
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